Lock and Load......

milton

Fri, 19 May 2006 01:15:36 GMT

milton
Originally uploaded by lizardsbunker.

Milton from Office Space at Cheffrey's Cafeteria....

"Excuse me sir. I ordered Tater Tot Casserole, and it had grease. Lots and lots of grease. And big chunks of celery.. I don't like celery."

Cheffrey: "I didn't see any grease or celery in it."

Milton: "I'll just have to take my money to a competing state cafeteria. Maybe I'll call the Health Department and get this place shut down. I could put strychnine in the taco salad. Grease, lots of grease, big blobs of celery."

Sun, 07 May 2006 03:51:50 GMT

The winner of the 2006 Kentucky Derby.........

BARBARO
His sire Dynaformer is 21-years-old and famous for a nasty temper--he has the fingers of some unfortunate grooms on his trophy belt. His son Barbaro chewed up his opponents in the Derby and spit them out, winning the Derby by the largest winning margin since 1946. Way to go!!!!!

Thu, 04 May 2006 00:31:51 GMT

Carlito: "I am Carlito, the new Presidential spokesliar. Scott McClellan could not handle the heat. I can. You know why? Because of cool. You wanna know what cool is...you're lookin' at it. Carlito is cool, and Carlito stays cool, even in the heat. Come on, now, ask Carlito some questions. How 'bout you, the old lady in the front row. You look cool, old one."
Helen Thomas: "Thank you, Mr. Carlito. President Bush wouldn't answer my question. What was the real reason the president went to war?"
Carlito: "Because it was cool! The President is committed to spreading freedom around the world. That is awesomely cool. Saddam Hussein was NOT COOL. He horded all the apples in Iraq for himself. Hiding apples...and weapons...is not cool. President Bush, he knows cool, that's why he has named Carlito as the new spokesliar. Hey, you, Wolf Blitzer, quit whispering to Judy Woodruff! Can't you see Carlito's giving a press briefing!! As I was saying, this administration is cool. They have also named me president of the Apple Growers of America. President Bush agrees, apples are the perfect food. They said in the Depression, a chicken in every pot. Well, Carlito and President Bush promise an apple in every lunch box!!! Dick Cheney is not cool. He likes quail and buffalo steaks with salt. He does not like apples. He shot his friend in the face. Carlito told him he should have spit an apple in his friend's face. Dick told Carlito to go fuck himself. That was not cool. Carlito does not masterbate. I leave that to Chris Masters, the "Masterpiece." So Carlito spit his apple on Dick--the juice running down Dick's glasses, now that was cool! Now, any more questions? Cool!"

Sun, 05 Mar 2006 04:44:24 GMT

Dick Cheney has decided to attack the problem of excessive litigation and frivolous lawsuits...one high-priced, elderly lawyer at a time. But there is one legal eagle Dick can't rid the world of...
DENNY CRANE, founding partner of the Boston law firm of Crane, Poole & Schmidt...

"I have an erection. That's a good sign. I'm ready to go to trial. Lock and Load!"

Mon, 27 Feb 2006 21:01:30 GMT

You Are Boston

Both modern and old school, you never forget your roots.
Well educated and a little snobby, you demand the best.
And quite frankly, you think you are the best.

Famous people from the Boston area: Conan O'Brien, Ben Affleck, New Kids on the Block

What American City Are You?

Scott Mcclellan making a point

Wed, 15 Feb 2006 01:19:19 GMT

Scott Mcclellan making a point
Originally uploaded by lizardsbunker.

Scott McClellan: "Well, as you are all aware, the Vice President accidentally shot his 78-year-old hunting partner and friend, Harry Whittington, in the face with a shotgun over the weekend. The Vice President is extremely upset at this turn of events, and of course, very embarrassed for mistaking Mr. Whittington for a quail. But the Vice President did say the salt and papper gray markings of Mr. Whittington's hair is similar to the color scheme of a quail, and he was wondering why the quail he shot at was so much larger than the others in the covey. Then after discharging his shotgun, Mr. Cheney realized his mistake. He stresses this is why he received so many deferments from Viet Nam--poor eyesight and bad marksmanship. I hope that satisfies everyone here on that old question. But I digress.
To get back to the events of this past weekend,the Vice President did visit Mr. Whittington in the hospital, apologized for the accidental discharge of buckshot into his face, and asked if he needed anything. He offered Mr. Whittington some tweezers and a mirror."

dick and gun

Wed, 15 Feb 2006 00:51:39 GMT

dick and gun
Originally uploaded by lizardsbunker.

Well, I know this is hardly original, since a few other people have had the same idea, but here's my take on...

CHENEY'S GOT A GUN.....

Dum, dum, dum, Dickie, what have you done?
Dum, dum, dum, it's the sound of my gun.
Dum, dum, dum, Dickie, what have you done?

Cheney's Got A gun
Cheney's Got A Gun
His whole world's gone awry
From the outin' of the spy
That he told Scooter to do
So soon after windy Katrina blew.

They say when Scooter got the indictment
Dick was just so frightened
But he thinks he's found a way
To cover up the fray
Now that Cheney's Got A Gun

Cheney's Got A Gun
Cheney's Got A Gun
His huntin' day's just begun
Now everybody is on the run
He's gittin in some practice
For the plan he's hatchin to plug Scooter in the face

Dickie shot ol' Whittington in the puss
That'll teach anyone to call Dick a wuss
Dickie got some good target practice
For when he blasts Scooter into space

Cover up, cover up the whole filthy mess
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Cover up, cover up, cover, cover, cover up

Cheney's Got A Gun
Cheney's Got A Gun
Silencing the culprits would be so easy
Just fire some buckshot in their face
Dickie'll do it too, he's just that sleazy
Then Congress won't have no case

Let this be a warning to Georgie Bush
Dick says you better gosh darn hush

'Cause Cheney's Got A Gun
Cheney's Got A Gun

Dick eating Iraqi food

Mon, 19 Dec 2005 04:10:24 GMT

Dick eating Iraqi food
Originally uploaded by lizardsbunker.

Dick: "Let's see, what do we have here? Masgoof, a whole skewered Tigris River fish. And this is Pacha, which you say is made of sheep's head, stomach, and feet, slow-cooked in broth? And we have vine leaves stuffed with rice, chick peas, and this stringy stuff is tripe?"

Soldier: "Yes sir, that's the lining of a cow's stomach."

Dick: "And we have skewered lamb with beets. And goat cheese and dried fruit for dessert? And no beer? Only tea?"

Soldier: "You see, sir, we have to make do."

Dick: "Well, this is just great. I pay a surprise visit to the troops and this is how you serve your second in command? No pizza, hamburgers, corn on the cob? No ribs?"

Soldier: "Muslims don't eat pork, sir. And they don't drink alcohol."

Dick: "I'll have Rumsfeld's head for this! You guys should not have run out of your Ready to Eat Meals. Tea stains my teeth. Chick peas make me flatulant, and Dick Cheney does not eat leaves or the stomachs of cows and sheep."

Dick in conference

Mon, 19 Dec 2005 01:01:21 GMT

Dick in conference
Originally uploaded by lizardsbunker.

Dick: "Hello, Pizza Hut? Vice President Cheney here. We're in the middle of a top secret briefing and we're hungry. I want a large meat-lover's pizza, extra sauce and extra cheese. And none of that middle eastern goat cheese! Karen, what do you want?"

Karen Hughes: "Veggie."

Conde: "Ew, I hate veggie. I want pepperoni and onions."

Dick: "No onions, Conde. This room is too small to have onion breath wreaking from you."

Conde: "Say what? What about all the gas that comes from your ass when you eat meat lovers and extra cheese?"

Dick: "I'm the Vice President. I can have what I want. And I can say what you can and cannot have, and I said no onions--that's a Vice Presidential order!"

Conde: "You lettin' Karen have onions on her veggie pizza. One set of rules for the pretty white girl and another set for me."

Dick: "Enough! You're getting anchovies and shrimp! You're from Alabama, down in the gulf area. Have to show your support for the fish industry.
Now, then. You got mine, and we need a veggie--large, and a small anchovy and shrimp. And Diet Coke."

Conde: "I want Diet Pepsi."

Dick: "We're getting Diet Coke. Coke is a subsidiary of Halliburton. You will drink Coke. Now then, we need that delivered to the bunker. Just come to the front door of the White House. We're a mile below the Oval Office. I'll send George up to get it. And oh, yes, can you include a mini pan pizza with peppers, olives, anchovies, and pineapple for George? And he'll drink milk. How much is the total?"

Pizza Hut: "40.00 plus tip."

Dick "No tip. Dick Cheney doesn't tip."

george, rummy and dick

Sat, 10 Dec 2005 23:32:10 GMT

george, rummy and dick
Originally uploaded by lizardsbunker.

INTRODUCING......George, Rummy, and Dick...in the new blockbuster---

THE BROTHERHOOD OF THE TRAVELLING
NUKULAR POWER PANTS

Playing now through January, 2009 all across the nation.

Mon, 05 Dec 2005 20:21:10 GMT

You Have a Choleric Temperament

You are a person of great enthusiasm - easily excited by many things.
Unsatisfied by the ordinary, you are reaching for an epic, extraordinary life.
You want the best. The best life. The best love. The best reputation.

You posses a sharp and keen intellect. Your mind is your primary weapon.
Strong willed, nothing can keep you down. Your energy can break down any wall.
You're an instantly passionate person - and this passion gives you an intoxicating power over others.

At your worst, you are a narcissist. Full of yourself and even proud of your faults.
Stubborn and opinionated, you know what you think is right. End of discussion.
A bit of a misanthrope, you often see others as weak, ignorant, and inferior.

What Temperment Are You?

Tue, 22 Nov 2005 01:06:40 GMT

George's problems with escape strategy...

"Mmmmm, won't open. Doesn't say push...maybe if I pull..."

"No, won't open. Well how am I supposed to get out if it don't say if I'm supposed to push or pull?"

"The press is watching me. What do I say? I can't get in here. Oh, I know."

"Well folks, looks like the Dali Lama is using the men's room, so guess I'll just have to wait my turn."

bush_nopants

Fri, 11 Nov 2005 03:15:29 GMT

bush_nopants
Originally uploaded by lizardsbunker.

Someone stole George's Nukular Power Pants!! Bet it was Dick.

bush_woodpecker

Fri, 11 Nov 2005 03:03:37 GMT

bush_woodpecker
Originally uploaded by lizardsbunker.

A hard way for the President to get a lobotomy. But at least the woodpecker will be happy, for when she is finished drilling, she will find a huge, empty, dark space--the perfect place to build her nest and raise her young.

george in briefs

Fri, 11 Nov 2005 02:47:05 GMT

george in briefs
Originally uploaded by lizardsbunker.

Actually, Real Men Wear Nukular Power Pants.
But, alas, poor George, he's a little sparse on power for his Nukular Power Pants!

George inspecting Dick's haul

Thu, 10 Nov 2005 03:30:24 GMT

George inspecting Dick's haul
Originally uploaded by lizardsbunker.

Man: " As you can see, Mr. President, we have a huge problem with Vice President Cheney and his looting. This is stuff he nabbed in Florida after Hurricane Wilma. And this is just the tip of the iceberg. This table is just the power tools and medical supplies he took. We have rows and rows of tables filled with designer clothing, shoes, big screen plasma television sets, Bose Wave Radio sets, jewelry, Rolex watches, silk stockings and luxurious bath beads for the geisha girl harem he keeps at the bunker,furs and diamonds for Mrs. Cheney, Cuban cigars, and tons of food--literally. Pounds and pounds of Beluga caviar,Belgian chocolate, French champagne, Cognac. We simply don't know what to do. This is a public relations nightmare."

George: "Kind of like my presidency. It sure does look like we have a thief in our midst. Like that, the word midst--kind of like mist but has a "d" in it. Means among us. Learned that word today--midst."

Man: "Sir,please,I've been trying to tell you, Mr. Cheney is an uncontrollable kleptomaniac and he needs serious help."

George: "Looks like he helped himself purty darn good. Hey Laura, can we use any of this stuff? I could use a new hammer--busted the head off the last one building that Habitat For Humanity house. Say, are there any pork rinds for my daddy? And if there's any Doritos, they're mine--Saddam Hussein can't have any!"

dick peeking in house

Wed, 09 Nov 2005 20:42:13 GMT

dick peeking in house
Originally uploaded by lizardsbunker.

Lynne Cheney: "Dick, get away from there! We'll get caught!"

Dick: "But look at all the stuff in here, Lynnie! That stupid soldier made me give up all the stuff I had, and there's even better stuff in here. Look, there's a defibrilator for my heart,and look at all those shoes, Lynnie! And look, there's a bunch of bottles of Johnny Walker scotch,some Godiva chocolate for you, and, oh, look! There's a whole unopened box of Cocoa Puffs, and some Pringles, and some Cheez Whiz and snack crackers.There's enough stuff to supply the bunker for a month! Damn, I wish I could squeeze through here. Here, Lynnie, you try."

Mon, 07 Nov 2005 20:57:29 GMT

Your Birthdate: May 12

You're a dynamic, charismatic person who's possibly headed for fame.
You tend to charm strangers easily. And you usually can get what you want from them.
Verbally talented, you tend to persuade people with your speaking and writing.
You are affectionate and loving, but it's hard for you to commit to any one relationship.

Your strength: Your charm

Your weakness: Your extreme manipulation tactics

Your power color: Indigo

Your power symbol: Four leaf clover

Your power month: December

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

George trying the Pope's patience

Sun, 06 Nov 2005 02:49:08 GMT

George trying the Pope's patience
Originally uploaded by lizardsbunker.

George: "The Lord's Prayer. Hey, Padre, that's neat--I didn't know the Lord prayed. Here goes. Our Father--hey Padre--I didn't know we had the same father."

Pope: "We don't, my son. It's referring to the Great Father in Heaven."

George: "Well, my daddy was pretty great, too. 41st president of the United States. Anyway, Our Father who art in Heaven, hall...hall...

Pope: "Hall--owed."

George: "Hallowed be the name.Give us this day our daily bread. Say, Padre, hope that bread don't have crusts on it. Don't like crusts. And I want peanut butter and jelly on it. Where was I... The kingdom come, the will be done, on Earth as it's in Heaven."

Pope: "THY."

George: "Huh?

Pope: "THY. And it is said "as it is in Heaven," not it's."

George: "Whatever. Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those folks who trespass against us--that's right, Padre. No one better trespass on my ranch, specially them liberal Cindy Sheehan folks, they'll get a bottom fulla buckshot! And lead us into temptation...

Pope: "Lead us NOT into temptation. And for God's sake, would you cease calling me Padre!"

George: "What should I call you? Your Highness? Speaking of temptation, had a lot in my day--drinkin', coke, lotsa sex. That's right, you can't have sex, can you Padre? I mean Your Highness."

Pope: "I wish your parents hadn't."

George: "What's that?

Pope: "Nothing. Continue, my son."

George: "I'm not your son. I'm my daddy's son, George H.W. Bush, 41st president of the United States. Oh, finish? But deliver us from evil. A man. God wants a man?"

Pope: "AMEN!! It means "the end!"

George: "That's right, Your Highness. The End. Can we go for a ride in the Popemobile now?"

Pope: "Almighty Father, I better make saint for this!"

chuck and the pres

Fri, 04 Nov 2005 03:14:28 GMT

chuck and the pres
Originally uploaded by lizardsbunker.

Laura: "Your Highness, is that your hand on my bottom?"

Charles: "Why yes. I say, Mrs. Bush, it's jolly nice and firm. I say, would you like to get together in private after the state dinner? It's been a jolly long time since I've "ridden" anything but a horse, if you catch my drift."

Laura: "Oh, Your Highness! I've seen you ride. Your form is magnificent!"

Charles: "I bet your form, under saddle, shall we say,is magnificent, too. You're quite a fetching little filly, Mrs. Bush. Would be such a treat to do it again with a purebred, instead of a broken down old plow horse."

Laura: "Why, Prince Charles, I didn't know you kept farm animals at Buckingham Palace."

Charles; "Ohhh, Mrs. Bush, you're the filly for me! A little flighty mentally, most good fillies are, but you'll make me feel like I have all the horsepower in the world under my "saddle!"

barbara bush

Mon, 31 Oct 2005 03:19:44 GMT

barbara bush
Originally uploaded by lizardsbunker.

"Damn! Broke another lens!"

Sun, 30 Oct 2005 19:44:29 GMT

Ever wonder why a grown man has a nickname so unbecoming for an adult? Perhaps if "Scooter" Libby

had used

then the inside of his tidy whities wouldn't look like this...

Preparation H...soothes and relieves the pain and itch of hemorrhoidal discomfort. Don't scoot...soothe!!!

Sun, 30 Oct 2005 19:17:17 GMT

Dirty Mouth....stained teeth?...

Is your breath so offensive you are embarrassed to open your mouth?...

...clean it up with Orbit...

Voila!!...

Orbit cleans another dirty mouth!!

rove_arrested

Sat, 29 Oct 2005 15:09:22 GMT

rove_arrested
Originally uploaded by lizardsbunker.

"You know what the President said! Quit eating all his Cheez Nips! Get your own box!"

Sat, 29 Oct 2005 00:17:55 GMT

Puffy McMoonface McClellan: "ok, people, we have a lot to cover today. I'll take the first question from Andrea Mitchell. Andrea?"
"Thank you, Scott. Is it true that Vice President Cheney was caught looting in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina, and that afterwards, the soldier who allegedly caught him suddenly disappeared?"
Puffy McMoonface: "Andrea, you know better than that. It has been explained that Mr. Cheney was testing the efficiency of our armed service personnel during trying conditions. The Vice President was not looting, and would never loot, period. That is something Mr. Cheney would never do That is a vicious lie being circulated by members of the opposition party and has no basis in fact. As for the young soldier, he felt that his services would be better utilized elsewhere and so volunteered for duty in Iraq. He is, I believe, assigned to Abu Grade prison, directing adult prisoner bondage videotapes, which are being distributed on the internets."

Andrea: "But what about the Funyuns and Cheez Nips and pretzels that were in the Vice President's posession?"

Puffy McMoonface: "I have no knowledge of Funyuns, pretzels, or Cheez Nips. Since the Vice President has a severe heart condition, I doubt he would need to obtain such items, which have a very high cholesterol and fat content.One bite of foods like that and you all know he'd be back in Bathesda Naval Hospital for another angioplasty. Dan Rather, you have a question?"
"yes. Recently, Mr. Cheney was seen walking with the aid of a cane. Is it true that the President is again drinking heavily and in a drunken rage beat Mr. Cheney over the allegations of his alleged looting?"
Puffy McMoonface: "Now hold on there. I'm not even going to dignify that question with a response. The President feels very strongly about the importance of sobriety. Mr. Cheney had surgery on his knees."

Dan Rather: "What about reports that the President was seen swearing at Mr. Cheney, calling him a no-good, Funyun-filching, pretzel-pinching liar, then chasing him out of the Oval Office and down the hall wielding a baseball bat which he then struck Mr. Cheney with several times, screaming "I'll whack your knees like Nancy Kerrigan!"

Puffy McMoonface: "That's a complete fabrication. The President was upset the other day when Karl Rove ate the rest of his Mr. Salty pretzels and then left the empty bag in the Oval Office. He was only supposed to test them for poison, but got carried away in the performance of that duty, and the President did mention that his dedication to his food taster duties might be the cause of his corpulent physique. Perhaps that's the incident to which you're referring. There was no time the President was upset with Mr. Cheney. Helen Thomas, you're next."
Helen: "Thank you, Scott. So, what's the scoop on Scooter Libby? Why is he on crutches? Is it true the Vice President attacked him as punishment for his role in outing Valerie Plame's identity to the press?"
Puffy McMoonface: "I'm not sure what you're insinuating. Are you suggesting that there is rampant violence in the upper most levels of our government? I can assure you that is not the case. As I said, the President was slightly disturbed that his Mr. Saltys were eaten, and Vice President Cheney has the most lovable temperament of anyone in the administration. You know, he's like Chicken Kiev--crusty on the outside and all squishy soft on the inside. Retribution would be the furthest thing from his mind."
Wolf Blitzer: "Excuse me, Scott. Wolf Blitzer, CNN News. You have to admit, things have gotten out of control in the administration. Allegations of Vice Presidential looting, Presidential drunkenness, beatings, rampages..."
Puffy McMoonface: "You can stop right there, Wolf. Mr. Libby is on crutches because the President accidentally ran into him when he was riding his scooter in the Oval Office. He was very excited to show Vice President Cheney's "Scooter", his own scooter, and he just got carried away. The President rang the scooter's bells, but Mr. Libby failed to heed him . Because of the serious nature of his injuries, Mr. Libby is resigning. I have his medical report right here. Severe contusions to the lower extremities brought on by sudden impact with a children's three-wheeled mobile device. I know you all have more questions, but we'll have to continue at another time. The President is saddened by these allegations and the Vice President has locked himself in his bunker and is refusing to come out. So, thank you all very much."