| milton |
[May. 18th, 2006|06:15 pm] |
Milton from Office Space at Cheffrey's Cafeteria....
"Excuse me sir. I ordered Tater Tot Casserole, and it had grease. Lots and lots of grease. And big chunks of celery.. I don't like celery."
Cheffrey: "I didn't see any grease or celery in it."
Milton: "I'll just have to take my money to a competing state cafeteria. Maybe I'll call the Health Department and get this place shut down. I could put strychnine in the taco salad. Grease, lots of grease, big blobs of celery."
|
|
|
| (no subject) |
[May. 6th, 2006|10:37 pm] |
The winner of the 2006 Kentucky Derby.........
BARBARO
His sire Dynaformer is 21-years-old and famous for a nasty temper--he has the fingers of some unfortunate grooms on his trophy belt. His son Barbaro chewed up his opponents in the Derby and spit them out, winning the Derby by the largest winning margin since 1946. Way to go!!!!! |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[May. 3rd, 2006|06:57 pm] |
 Carlito: "I am Carlito, the new Presidential spokesliar. Scott McClellan could not handle the heat. I can. You know why? Because of cool. You wanna know what cool is...you're lookin' at it. Carlito is cool, and Carlito stays cool, even in the heat. Come on, now, ask Carlito some questions. How 'bout you, the old lady in the front row. You look cool, old one."
 Helen Thomas: "Thank you, Mr. Carlito. President Bush wouldn't answer my question. What was the real reason the president went to war?"
 Carlito: "Because it was cool! The President is committed to spreading freedom around the world. That is awesomely cool. Saddam Hussein was NOT COOL. He horded all the apples in Iraq for himself. Hiding apples...and weapons...is not cool. President Bush, he knows cool, that's why he has named Carlito as the new spokesliar. Hey, you, Wolf Blitzer, quit whispering to Judy Woodruff! Can't you see Carlito's giving a press briefing!! As I was saying, this administration is cool. They have also named me president of the Apple Growers of America. President Bush agrees, apples are the perfect food. They said in the Depression, a chicken in every pot. Well, Carlito and President Bush promise an apple in every lunch box!!! Dick Cheney is not cool. He likes quail and buffalo steaks with salt. He does not like apples. He shot his friend in the face. Carlito told him he should have spit an apple in his friend's face. Dick told Carlito to go fuck himself. That was not cool. Carlito does not masterbate. I leave that to Chris Masters, the "Masterpiece." So Carlito spit his apple on Dick--the juice running down Dick's glasses, now that was cool! Now, any more questions? Cool!" |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Mar. 4th, 2006|10:48 pm] |
 
Dick Cheney has decided to attack the problem of excessive litigation and frivolous lawsuits...one high-priced, elderly lawyer at a time. But there is one legal eagle Dick can't rid the world of...
DENNY CRANE, founding partner of the Boston law firm of Crane, Poole & Schmidt...
"I have an erection. That's a good sign. I'm ready to go to trial. Lock and Load!" |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Feb. 27th, 2006|03:00 pm] |
| You Are Boston | 
Both modern and old school, you never forget your roots.
Well educated and a little snobby, you demand the best.
And quite frankly, you think you are the best.
Famous people from the Boston area: Conan O'Brien, Ben Affleck, New Kids on the Block |
|
|
|
| Scott Mcclellan making a point |
[Feb. 14th, 2006|05:19 pm] |
Scott McClellan: "Well, as you are all aware, the Vice President accidentally shot his 78-year-old hunting partner and friend, Harry Whittington, in the face with a shotgun over the weekend. The Vice President is extremely upset at this turn of events, and of course, very embarrassed for mistaking Mr. Whittington for a quail. But the Vice President did say the salt and papper gray markings of Mr. Whittington's hair is similar to the color scheme of a quail, and he was wondering why the quail he shot at was so much larger than the others in the covey. Then after discharging his shotgun, Mr. Cheney realized his mistake. He stresses this is why he received so many deferments from Viet Nam--poor eyesight and bad marksmanship. I hope that satisfies everyone here on that old question. But I digress.
To get back to the events of this past weekend,the Vice President did visit Mr. Whittington in the hospital, apologized for the accidental discharge of buckshot into his face, and asked if he needed anything. He offered Mr. Whittington some tweezers and a mirror."
|
|
|
| dick and gun |
[Feb. 14th, 2006|04:51 pm] |
Well, I know this is hardly original, since a few other people have had the same idea, but here's my take on...
CHENEY'S GOT A GUN.....
Dum, dum, dum, Dickie, what have you done?
Dum, dum, dum, it's the sound of my gun.
Dum, dum, dum, Dickie, what have you done?
Cheney's Got A gun
Cheney's Got A Gun
His whole world's gone awry
From the outin' of the spy
That he told Scooter to do
So soon after windy Katrina blew.
They say when Scooter got the indictment
Dick was just so frightened
But he thinks he's found a way
To cover up the fray
Now that Cheney's Got A Gun
Cheney's Got A Gun
Cheney's Got A Gun
His huntin' day's just begun
Now everybody is on the run
He's gittin in some practice
For the plan he's hatchin to plug Scooter in the face
Dickie shot ol' Whittington in the puss
That'll teach anyone to call Dick a wuss
Dickie got some good target practice
For when he blasts Scooter into space
Cover up, cover up the whole filthy mess
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Cover up, cover up, cover, cover, cover up
Cheney's Got A Gun
Cheney's Got A Gun
Silencing the culprits would be so easy
Just fire some buckshot in their face
Dickie'll do it too, he's just that sleazy
Then Congress won't have no case
Let this be a warning to Georgie Bush
Dick says you better gosh darn hush
'Cause Cheney's Got A Gun
Cheney's Got A Gun |
|
|
| Dick eating Iraqi food |
[Dec. 18th, 2005|08:10 pm] |
Dick: "Let's see, what do we have here? Masgoof, a whole skewered Tigris River fish. And this is Pacha, which you say is made of sheep's head, stomach, and feet, slow-cooked in broth? And we have vine leaves stuffed with rice, chick peas, and this stringy stuff is tripe?"
Soldier: "Yes sir, that's the lining of a cow's stomach."
Dick: "And we have skewered lamb with beets. And goat cheese and dried fruit for dessert? And no beer? Only tea?"
Soldier: "You see, sir, we have to make do."
Dick: "Well, this is just great. I pay a surprise visit to the troops and this is how you serve your second in command? No pizza, hamburgers, corn on the cob? No ribs?"
Soldier: "Muslims don't eat pork, sir. And they don't drink alcohol."
Dick: "I'll have Rumsfeld's head for this! You guys should not have run out of your Ready to Eat Meals. Tea stains my teeth. Chick peas make me flatulant, and Dick Cheney does not eat leaves or the stomachs of cows and sheep."
|
|
|
| Dick in conference |
[Dec. 18th, 2005|05:01 pm] |
Dick: "Hello, Pizza Hut? Vice President Cheney here. We're in the middle of a top secret briefing and we're hungry. I want a large meat-lover's pizza, extra sauce and extra cheese. And none of that middle eastern goat cheese! Karen, what do you want?"
Karen Hughes: "Veggie."
Conde: "Ew, I hate veggie. I want pepperoni and onions."
Dick: "No onions, Conde. This room is too small to have onion breath wreaking from you."
Conde: "Say what? What about all the gas that comes from your ass when you eat meat lovers and extra cheese?"
Dick: "I'm the Vice President. I can have what I want. And I can say what you can and cannot have, and I said no onions--that's a Vice Presidential order!"
Conde: "You lettin' Karen have onions on her veggie pizza. One set of rules for the pretty white girl and another set for me."
Dick: "Enough! You're getting anchovies and shrimp! You're from Alabama, down in the gulf area. Have to show your support for the fish industry.
Now, then. You got mine, and we need a veggie--large, and a small anchovy and shrimp. And Diet Coke."
Conde: "I want Diet Pepsi."
Dick: "We're getting Diet Coke. Coke is a subsidiary of Halliburton. You will drink Coke. Now then, we need that delivered to the bunker. Just come to the front door of the White House. We're a mile below the Oval Office. I'll send George up to get it. And oh, yes, can you include a mini pan pizza with peppers, olives, anchovies, and pineapple for George? And he'll drink milk. How much is the total?"
Pizza Hut: "40.00 plus tip."
Dick "No tip. Dick Cheney doesn't tip."
|
|
|
| george, rummy and dick |
[Dec. 10th, 2005|03:32 pm] |
INTRODUCING......George, Rummy, and Dick...in the new blockbuster---
THE BROTHERHOOD OF THE TRAVELLING
NUKULAR POWER PANTS
Playing now through January, 2009 all across the nation.
|
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 5th, 2005|02:20 pm] |
| You Have a Choleric Temperament | 
You are a person of great enthusiasm - easily excited by many things.
Unsatisfied by the ordinary, you are reaching for an epic, extraordinary life.
You want the best. The best life. The best love. The best reputation.
You posses a sharp and keen intellect. Your mind is your primary weapon.
Strong willed, nothing can keep you down. Your energy can break down any wall.
You're an instantly passionate person - and this passion gives you an intoxicating power over others.
At your worst, you are a narcissist. Full of yourself and even proud of your faults.
Stubborn and opinionated, you know what you think is right. End of discussion.
A bit of a misanthrope, you often see others as weak, ignorant, and inferior. |
|
|
|
| George doing ad for Capital One |
[Nov. 21st, 2005|05:38 pm] |
What do you think is in George's wallet?
Well, since he doesn't need credit cards, obviously not a Capital One card. Perhaps his membership card in the Mensa Society? No, that's not it. It's his membership card in the Dick and Jane and My Pet Goat Books of the Month Club.
|
|
|
| George in Mongolia |
[Nov. 21st, 2005|05:30 pm] |
George: "Wow, this outhouse is sure cramped. And dark. Not really sure what I was doin' in there. And there was no toilet paper, either."
Mongolian man: "Excuse me, Mr. President Bush, but the restroom facilities are in the building behind me. This is the Dali Lama's private contemplation tent."
George: "Yeah, I'm suffering from constipation, too."
|
|
|
| bush_nopants |
[Nov. 10th, 2005|07:15 pm] |
Someone stole George's Nukular Power Pants!! Bet it was Dick.
|
|
|
| bush_woodpecker |
[Nov. 10th, 2005|07:03 pm] |
A hard way for the President to get a lobotomy. But at least the woodpecker will be happy, for when she is finished drilling, she will find a huge, empty, dark space--the perfect place to build her nest and raise her young.
|
|
|
| george in briefs |
[Nov. 10th, 2005|06:47 pm] |
Actually, Real Men Wear Nukular Power Pants.
But, alas, poor George, he's a little sparse on power for his Nukular Power Pants!
|
|
|
| George inspecting Dick's haul |
[Nov. 9th, 2005|07:30 pm] |
Man: " As you can see, Mr. President, we have a huge problem with Vice President Cheney and his looting. This is stuff he nabbed in Florida after Hurricane Wilma. And this is just the tip of the iceberg. This table is just the power tools and medical supplies he took. We have rows and rows of tables filled with designer clothing, shoes, big screen plasma television sets, Bose Wave Radio sets, jewelry, Rolex watches, silk stockings and luxurious bath beads for the geisha girl harem he keeps at the bunker,furs and diamonds for Mrs. Cheney, Cuban cigars, and tons of food--literally. Pounds and pounds of Beluga caviar,Belgian chocolate, French champagne, Cognac. We simply don't know what to do. This is a public relations nightmare."
George: "Kind of like my presidency. It sure does look like we have a thief in our midst. Like that, the word midst--kind of like mist but has a "d" in it. Means among us. Learned that word today--midst."
Man: "Sir,please,I've been trying to tell you, Mr. Cheney is an uncontrollable kleptomaniac and he needs serious help."
George: "Looks like he helped himself purty darn good. Hey Laura, can we use any of this stuff? I could use a new hammer--busted the head off the last one building that Habitat For Humanity house. Say, are there any pork rinds for my daddy? And if there's any Doritos, they're mine--Saddam Hussein can't have any!"
|
|
|
| dick peeking in house |
[Nov. 9th, 2005|12:42 pm] |
Lynne Cheney: "Dick, get away from there! We'll get caught!"
Dick: "But look at all the stuff in here, Lynnie! That stupid soldier made me give up all the stuff I had, and there's even better stuff in here. Look, there's a defibrilator for my heart,and look at all those shoes, Lynnie! And look, there's a bunch of bottles of Johnny Walker scotch,some Godiva chocolate for you, and, oh, look! There's a whole unopened box of Cocoa Puffs, and some Pringles, and some Cheez Whiz and snack crackers.There's enough stuff to supply the bunker for a month! Damn, I wish I could squeeze through here. Here, Lynnie, you try."
|
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 7th, 2005|02:57 pm] |
| Your Birthdate: May 12 | 
You're a dynamic, charismatic person who's possibly headed for fame.
You tend to charm strangers easily. And you usually can get what you want from them.
Verbally talented, you tend to persuade people with your speaking and writing.
You are affectionate and loving, but it's hard for you to commit to any one relationship.
Your strength: Your charm
Your weakness: Your extreme manipulation tactics
Your power color: Indigo
Your power symbol: Four leaf clover
Your power month: December |
|
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
lizardsbunker's journal
